Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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