Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
