walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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