I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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