so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
