This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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