somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Holy shit dude........stairs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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