dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
