I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
