someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
