I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize