my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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