I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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