If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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