i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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