in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
