I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
