Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
