somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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