there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
