Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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