He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
