Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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