Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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