Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I want is dick and wine.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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