I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
