We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
