the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
