meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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