I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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