he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it glows. i had to have it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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