you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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