Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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