Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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