Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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