you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
