I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
