i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
