I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize