I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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