Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize