I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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