I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
