Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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