I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
