When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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