My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
