I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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