If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
