Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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