The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
