phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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