my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
