the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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