Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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