it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
