You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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