I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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