listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
