____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
