heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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