you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
